I decided to write this after I skipped church for the past three weeks, one of which because of Hurricane Irma, and the others were my choice. But if Irma hadn’t decided to send her wind and rain our way, I still wouldn’t have gone.
I have borderline personality disorder (BPD). I have unstable and intense interpersonal relationships. So, it comes as no surprise that in continuing this pattern, my relationship with God has suffered. My motivation to attend church service has completely dwindled, and now it has become a chore that I often leave unattended to because of my job. I have zero desire to be in the physical building, and much less with the people that sit in the pews.
This is an example of devaluation. This means going from a state of considering a person or thing to be perfect, flawless (idealization), to being riddled with flaws and having no redeeming characteristics. This pattern can be seen in personal relationships, celebrity opinions and beliefs.
Recently, I’ve been going through a tough time in a couple different aspects of my life. My faith has gradually decreased and now, I’d say, it’s almost nonexistent. It’s the age-old story of “Why hast thou forsaken me, God?” But for me and my BPD, it becomes a lack of faith in God and a lack of trust. I have literally told God I hate him.
This was the first time I’ve gotten to this point, but I often vacillate in my faith regarding Christianity. It wasn’t until now that I’ve recently I realized that BPD is the reason why I catastrophize what I’m experiencing which leads me to this complete devaluation of God and Christian belief.
And it’s very likely that two weeks from now, something remarkable will happen in my life which will have me in the “idealization” side of this stressful pattern.
And then something bad will happen and I’ll be right back where I am now.
It’s exhausting and confusing. It brings up feelings of anxiety and depression because I feel like I’m a “bad Christian” or a “fair weather Christian” both of which lead me down a spiral of believing that I’m not good enough and that I am doomed to Hell no matter what.
I must continue to remind myself that all relationships have ups and downs, so it’s natural to have difficulties in a relationship with God. I have to cut myself some slack and allow myself to receive the grace I have already been gifted with, especially when I feel I’m undeserving.