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What It’s Like to Have Flashbacks When You Live With Borderline Personality Disorder

I’m inside the passenger seat of a car, riding home from the grocery save with my accomplice. I’m staring out the window. My mind is racing — it’s constantly racing. All of a unexpected, I’m lower back in grade five. My belly clenches in fear as I lean towards the corner of stone walls in which I would sit down at recess to keep away from people. I can feel my chest aching, traumatic about the following interplay I’ll have with the group of women that bully me. I’m still staring out the automobile window and but one way or the other I’m in locations.

I’m watching my favourite display and consuming tea. The words the fictitious characters are saying to each other start to fade into the background. I’m transported back to a combat I had once I become 19. I can experience my anger choking me because the character tells me to close-up. I am geared up to cry, scream and punch matters. Then I notice the aftertaste of tea in my mouth and I can pay attention the voices from my display once more.

I’m analyzing a ebook approximately studying the way to love myself. I experience empowered and stimulated. I see the phrases, but I can no longer study what they say. I’m lost in my head and I’m going back to a second after I felt disgusting and ashamed. I can feel the self-loathing coursing via my veins. My pores and skin tingles and my eyes have become wet. My chest is tightening and my jaw is clenched. I experience just like the black hole inside is going to swallow me complete, after which I come again. I can read the words once more however there’s still an emptiness in my belly. My chest hurts and I sense worn-out. I now not want to read approximately how to love myself.

These are what I name flashbacks. Some human beings may additionally experience them differently, however that is what it looks like for me. My mind is constantly flooded with thoughts, one triggering the next, then the subsequent. My thoughts are a circulate of photos, smells, voices and sounds. Sometimes they’re merely a flash and other times, I am long past. I disconnect from the here and now and I am misplaced inside the past. I flash returned to a memory and in that second, it feels real. I understand it’s not real due to the fact I am nevertheless wherever I turned into once I began, but the flood of emotion it brings with it makes it feel love it simply passed off. I am continuously reliving my trauma and being reminded of the things I need to forget. When I have a flashback that consists of someone who hurt me, it’s extremely hard now not to carry that pain with me again, even though we’ve been on right terms for years considering that then.

When I pop out of a flashback, I take some deep breaths. I remind myself it’s no longer real and that it’s only a reminiscence. I inform myself that even though I have a beyond, I don’t stay there anymore. I exercise my DBT Skills and prioritize self-care. I attain out for aid if I want it and I allow myself relaxation. Doing this stuff for myself regularly makes me feel higher, however every now and then all I can do is wait it out.


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