Living with depression feels like you’re in a dark hole with nowhere to go. Living with anxiety makes you feel like you’re losing your mind.
Depression takes away all of your motivation and drive to do anything, but anxiety makes you want to constantly do that activity.
Depression tells you thoughts such as, “It’s not worth it to get out of bed today,” or “You’re worthless, stupid and no one cares about you.” Even though it is all in your head, you somehow believe it. Anxiety continually throws “what if” thoughts around your head. That is the cruel reality of living with both depression and anxiety.
I live with depression and anxiety. It is scary to live with one, but I find living with both to be an absolute nightmare.
With my anxiety, it is hard for me to drive to therapy every week. I am constantly overthinking everything, no matter how big or small the activity is. As I drive to therapy, my stomach aches. I get sweaty palms, and my heart race increases. I feel shaky and lightheaded, but I keep driving because I know therapy will help me in the long run.
I am still terrified to check myself in at the front. I am always terrified I will mess up what I am saying, or I will trip on the rug as I walk into the office. I never have, but having anxiety makes it a constant fear. My brain goes off on its own, not listening to me as I try to tell my body to calm down and that everything will be OK. My mind is already making me feel nauseous the closer I get to arriving. It’s not that I don’t love my therapist — I do. She has helped me in so many ways. It is just the fact that I am nervous about telling her everything I have felt since the last time I have spoken with her.
She goes back to bed, but I don’t. I lie awake, mentally exhausted. She falls asleep, but I don’t. I sit there in my bed for hours, just staring up at the ceiling because my anxiety is whirling thoughts through my head. I freak out about walking into school the next morning. Will I feel any motivation to put on any makeup and wear a cute outfit or will I roll out of bed, put my messy hair in a bun and just put on a pair of sweatpants and a bra? There are mornings when I leave the house looking like death because it was so exhausting just to get out of bed.